9 weeks…

Hey!

It’s been a while since I last posted. It’s not been a deliberate thing, I just haven’t been at all well and I have been struggling to do much computer time. The little that I have done has been more about checking in on your blogs and trying to comment where I can.

Since I last posted things have been pretty crazy. I’m going to try to give a bit of an idea of what’s been going on but I do want to say from the outset that I hope none of this comes across like complaining. These past few weeks haven’t been easy for me, but I don’t want any of this to give the impression that I am not grateful for or happy about the very lucky position I find myself in. I know so many of you are still struggling and have gone through some incredibly hard times recently (special mention to my blog friends who are coping with recent miscarriages – I can’t imagine your pain and I’m truly sorry that is part of your struggle.) So please know that I don’t mean to upset anyone by sounding ungrateful.

When I got my positive beta I was a bit freaked out about my lack of symptoms. Well I am happy to report that I have symptoms galore. The boobs  have gone enormous (I only have little ones normally) and my brain functioning has gone to pot. It turns out that I can no longer do very basic things like read a calendar or count to three. This has led to some interesting issues with me messing up my medication and sending confusing emails to work colleagues. It doesn’t matter how many times I proof read things, I just seem to have developed an innate skill to get things bizarrely wrong.

I have been doing a good line in vomiting and nausea. I have to admit this has been the hardest thing to deal with. The nausea is incessant and some days I struggle to be vertical. My diet has become strangely limited to toast and soup as these seem to be the only things I can keep down. I am trying as hard as I can to keep hydrated but again I’m struggling to find drinks which don’t make me want to vomit. Even water can be a struggle. It’s so weird. Still I am determined that I don’t want to dehydrate. I have had that happen in the past (which necessitated a stay in hospital) and it wasn’t at all pleasant.

I had a scan at 6w6d. I was so nervous about it (like understatement of the year). The Dr had to do a lot of checking before he would show me what was going on so I had an excruciating few minutes watching his face trying to figure out whether it was good news or not. The long and short was that I was pregnant with twins but one had stopped growing and had no heartbeat. The other one was measuring normally and had a strong heartbeat. So good and bad news. I have thought about this tons and maybe I will write about how I feel about all this, but not now. Right now I am concentrating my efforts on positive thoughts for the little one that is growing. As I understand I’m at the point which the foetus (yay it’s a foetus now!) moves from getting support from its yolk sack to being supported by the placenta. I really hope that this is developing as it should. It feels like such a huge milestone.

None of this feels real yet (despite the symptoms). I still feel like it is a magical thing that is yet to happen, like I’m in a weird limbo. A lovely friend of mine was encouraging me to join an online support group and somehow I feel like I can’t, like I’m some kind of imposter. I logged back into the beat infertility group (not to write anything about my current status, that would be inappropriate) just to check in on how people were doing and that also felt a bit strange, like I was intruding on other peoples’ space. So I don’t know really. Like I say I don’t mean this in an ungrateful way, it just doesn’t feel real yet.

Having said that, I have told my boss. Like I had no intention of telling him but I have been so sick lately and really struggling, I felt that I needed for him to understand. Thankfully he was so nice. He was so happy for me & almost wept for joy (he had tears in his eyes). He has been very supportive & I couldn’t ask for more.

So a bit of a rambling update. I hope it was fairly coherent! I have another scan in a few days and am so nervous about it. Of course I am nervous about what I may see. I hope that this little foetus continues to be strong and grow well.

 

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29 thoughts on “9 weeks…

  1. Woops.

    The nausea and vomiting are definitely the hardest bit. I really struggled and did end up in hospital with dehydration. The nurse told me to drink flat isotonic drinks, even if you’re sick your body still absorbs the things that you need. They also gave me an antisickness tablet Buccastem to take twice a day – you can only take it for a few weeks but it’s definitely worth asking about just to give you a bit of relief. I felt so ill that I genuinely couldn’t function – taking the tablets and using acupuncture has definitely helped. I hope as you move towards the 2nd trimester things settle down.

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    1. Thanks so much for the heads up on the isotonic drinks, I’ll definitely try that. At the moment I’m so scared about taking any extra meds (I won’t even consider taking paracetamol, don’t know just why just feel really paranoid about it) but I’ll keep an open mind about the anti-sickness pills, I feel so conflicted. I think taking IVF meds for so long makes me feel fed up with having to take drugs. Sorry to hear about your experience, absolutely no fun at all. Thanks so much for the tips, so appreciated. x

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  2. So happy for you! I can really relate to all of this, ten weeks on from where you are. I cried at my early scan because I was so relieved (and I never cry!). I’m sorry to hear about your lost twin. I’m sure it must be a very complex feeling. I’m super happy that you are doing so well. And can totally relate to the boobs! Ha! It gets worse! I’ve gone up 2 cup sizes at 19 weeks and they show no signs of slowing down! I can also completely relate to the “It can’t be real” feeling. It does decrease over time but even at 19 weeks it hasn’t completely gone away. I think you’ll feel better at every milestone. 12 week scan soon! Sending you love. Xx

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    1. Thanks so much! It really means a lot. I really love reading your updates because I feel like it gives me hope and something to look forward to. I call my boobs my ‘sanity gauge’ because while they are big (and growing) it gives me comfort that things are going ok! lol. I realise that I need to pull my head out of the sand a bit as I’ve not booked in with the NHS yet, I guess I’m waiting for the outcome of my 9w scan… I’m not really superstitious but I feel like making any serious plans or announcements will jinx it… even to the point where I’m not sure if I have any office clothes that fit anymore! I just can’t deal with going shopping and for the moment I’m living in pyjamas as I have been working from home to cope with the nausea! Anyway, thanks for your kind comments and so glad you are doing so well (I think your bump is so cute!) 🙂 xx

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      1. Aww it is really nice to be doing this alongside you. Especially after you gave me so much encouragement. I hope that you are following along just behind! Also I think you’re probably doing well what with the nausea… That’s a good sign! I didn’t have it because I had the steroids so they sort of dampened all of that. My doc and the midwife said I wouldn’t be sick because the steroids I was on (for immune protocol) are also given to pregnant women to prevent morning sickness!

        I wouldn’t worry about the NHS. I didn’t really book in until the later scan either. I had the first NHS scan at 12 weeks and the booking appointment too around that time. They were good at getting me an appointment really quickly! I did mine through my local hospital – there’s just a form I had to fill in and they called me back with an appointment.

        As for shopping I think you can leave it quite late! I didn’t do much other than maternity jeans for ages (as my regular jeans were too tight).

        I completely get what you mean about jinxing it! I was worried to tell anyone and still feel a bit iffy about it! I think I’m actually looking pregnant now though so I don’t have much choice about relaxing into it! Wishing you lots of luck with your next scan. Xx

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  3. Oh so happy for this update! So glad you have a little one that is doing well. And so wonderful that you have a boss that is not only understanding, but also so excited!!

    Don’t apologize for not blogging. I too had to take a big break from all of the blogs and boards etc. It was good for me, and I think you should do what you need to do. Share what you want to and know that you don’t have to if you are uncomfortable.

    And I totally understand being in that place where you aren’t sure what ‘group’ you belong in anymore. At nearly 26 weeks, I am in no way even thinking about being in a ‘pregnancy’ group, like you said, it still doesn’t feel real. I still get that ‘jealousy and hurt’ feeling when friends announce a pregnancy (certainly not for those who have been struggling, then it is the most exciting joyous news) like I wish I could be in their shoes… Then I remember that I am pregnant, But I still can never be one of those blissful ones that I see. But I will say that It does get better, even if it gets worse first, the worrying and nervousness that is.

    I am so happy for this good update from you. I hope all continues to go well with your little one!

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    1. Aw thanks lovely. Likewise I was so thrilled when you posted. I’m so glad that you are doing so well and have reached 26 weeks, that is amazing! Hope you get to hold your baby shower exactly as you want (sorry that your MIL is being a pain about it). xx

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    2. This is just like how I feel! I definitely don’t feel like a blissfully pregnant woman (though I’m now trying). And I can’t believe it when people announce at 12 weeks or before! I really worry for them. I’m glad you’re doing so well. 26 weeks! Viable! X

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  4. OMG, first, I am so excited to hear an update from you! I’ve been thinking of you, and I am more than pleased to know you’re progressing in your pregnancy. Second, I feel awful that you’re feeling so blech and ill. Please know that it’s not complaining: if you don’t feel well, then you don’t feel well, no matter *how* you ended up pregnant. Third, I am very sorry for your loss of twin baby. I imagine that your having conflicting feelings about this is the understatement of the year. But I celebrate the life that is still growing in you and cannot wait to read future updates!

    I’m not sure if I can post a link in this here comment box, but here goes: http://link.verywell.com/click/7398862.11587/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cudmVyeXdlbGwuY29tL3RoaW5ncy1uby1vbmUtdGVsbHMteW91LWFib3V0LXByZWduYW5jeS1hZnRlci1pbmZlcnRpbGl0eS00MDcwMzA3P3V0bV9jb250ZW50PTIwMTYwODE2JnV0bV9tZWRpdW09ZW1haWwmdXRtX3NvdXJjZT1leHBfbmwmdXRtX2NhbXBhaWduPWxpc3RfaW5mZXJ0aWxpdHk/543a9fae09c5c557238b537eC1c2ec2f5

    ^^^ This is a great article I read recently about how to cope with pregnancy after suffering from infertility. I truly hope it helps you feel not alone.

    Hugs.

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    1. Thank you lovely, that really means so much to me! I am bowled over by all the kindness.
      Thanks so much for sharing the article (the link works, yay!) I think I’m going to print it off, it is so right. Thanks xxx

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  5. Hello. First off, sorry about the one that didn’t make it, and prayers that the other keeps going strong.
    My symptoms got worse around 10 weeks- it can be tough. Though they’re also reminding me that hopefully something’s still going on during the long wait between check ups.
    And I know what you mean about feeling like an imposter- it’s like an identity shift that’s hard to reconcile with. It wasn’t till about 13 weeks that I joined a group for pregnancy and the chronic illness I have, and just this week a pregnancy and IVF group. And then I worry something “bad” will happen cuz I tried to cross over to that side.

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    1. Thanks lovely. I googled your condition and I really feel for you having to deal with that as well as all these pregnancy symptoms. It really must be so tough. I am very much on a one day at a time schedule, for example yesterday was really bad but today I feel like I can get a few things done. Trying not to beat myself up about the bad days but nevertheless I do feel guilty if it impacts on my job. I’m glad you had the courage to join some support groups. Rationally I know that doing these things won’t change the outcome, but at the moment all the decisions I am taking seem to be emotionally driven. I guess that’s not surprising really!
      Sending so many best wishes to you and hope things continue to get better each day xxx

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  6. Good to hear from u! Im sorry u have been so sick. Sometimes a break is needed from the blog world. Since being pregnant again this time, I have had some weird phases with it too.
    Im so sorry about your twin. We lost twins my last pregnancy, and then just one twin this pregnancy around the same time as u. I always wonder why but I try not to let it consume me as u said.
    Cant wait to hear about your next scan, so close to being out of the first tri!

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    1. Aw thanks lovely. It’s difficult for me to be articulate about the whole twin thing at the moment, I’m trying to think about it like I gave that little embryo the best chance and unfortunately it wasn’t to be, but of course as you will understand it is more complicated than that. I am so grateful and happy that the other one seems to be going well. I am excited and nervous for the next scan. Luckily I am scheduled to see a super lovely doctor and my husband will be there too.
      I’m so happy for you that you are doing so well and looking wonderful in your pregnancy. xxx

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  7. Congratulations!!! There is a “pregnancy after IVF” group on the Fertile Thoughts forum that’s really good and I think is better than the ‘normal’ sites because everyone in there gets it.

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    1. Thanks lovely, that is really kind of you, and thanks for the recommendation.
      Been thinking about you tons (I know it doesn’t do you any practical good in terms of dealing with things) and I’m sorry that you mum has lived up to expectations in her lack of support for you. Your husband sounds like a good bloke and I’m glad he’s there to support you. Sending you best wishes and hugs from the UK xxxx

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  8. Yay for a healthy baby growing in there but I am so sorry to hear that you lost one in the process of this one taking. I imagine the conflicting emotions in a situation like this must be so very hard. Hoping your morning sickness eases soon. Your boss sounds like a total sweetie. Good luck tomorrow xx

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    1. Thanks lovely 🙂 Even though I put two embryos back, I never really thought that both would stick. I just thought I was increasing my chance of one working. I think with hindsight that was perhaps a bit naïve of me, especially considering my eyes should be wide open to how difficult everything is and how easily things can go wrong. Anyway I’m trying not to focus on that now. Am leaving it to be processed at another time. Very lucky & thankful to have this chance and such a nice boss. xx

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  9. Funny, our posts today run parallel, so I HEAR YOU loud and clear. The nausea is totally miserable but usually temporary. Hang in there for the next month, and then the 2nd tri is like the golden era of the pregnancy 🙂

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