It’s been a while since I last posted. It’s not been a deliberate thing, I just haven’t been at all well and I have been struggling to do much computer time. The little that I have done has been more about checking in on your blogs and trying to comment where I can.
Since I last posted things have been pretty crazy. I’m going to try to give a bit of an idea of what’s been going on but I do want to say from the outset that I hope none of this comes across like complaining. These past few weeks haven’t been easy for me, but I don’t want any of this to give the impression that I am not grateful for or happy about the very lucky position I find myself in. I know so many of you are still struggling and have gone through some incredibly hard times recently (special mention to my blog friends who are coping with recent miscarriages – I can’t imagine your pain and I’m truly sorry that is part of your struggle.) So please know that I don’t mean to upset anyone by sounding ungrateful.
When I got my positive beta I was a bit freaked out about my lack of symptoms. Well I am happy to report that I have symptoms galore. The boobs have gone enormous (I only have little ones normally) and my brain functioning has gone to pot. It turns out that I can no longer do very basic things like read a calendar or count to three. This has led to some interesting issues with me messing up my medication and sending confusing emails to work colleagues. It doesn’t matter how many times I proof read things, I just seem to have developed an innate skill to get things bizarrely wrong.
I have been doing a good line in vomiting and nausea. I have to admit this has been the hardest thing to deal with. The nausea is incessant and some days I struggle to be vertical. My diet has become strangely limited to toast and soup as these seem to be the only things I can keep down. I am trying as hard as I can to keep hydrated but again I’m struggling to find drinks which don’t make me want to vomit. Even water can be a struggle. It’s so weird. Still I am determined that I don’t want to dehydrate. I have had that happen in the past (which necessitated a stay in hospital) and it wasn’t at all pleasant.
I had a scan at 6w6d. I was so nervous about it (like understatement of the year). The Dr had to do a lot of checking before he would show me what was going on so I had an excruciating few minutes watching his face trying to figure out whether it was good news or not. The long and short was that I was pregnant with twins but one had stopped growing and had no heartbeat. The other one was measuring normally and had a strong heartbeat. So good and bad news. I have thought about this tons and maybe I will write about how I feel about all this, but not now. Right now I am concentrating my efforts on positive thoughts for the little one that is growing. As I understand I’m at the point which the foetus (yay it’s a foetus now!) moves from getting support from its yolk sack to being supported by the placenta. I really hope that this is developing as it should. It feels like such a huge milestone.
None of this feels real yet (despite the symptoms). I still feel like it is a magical thing that is yet to happen, like I’m in a weird limbo. A lovely friend of mine was encouraging me to join an online support group and somehow I feel like I can’t, like I’m some kind of imposter. I logged back into the beat infertility group (not to write anything about my current status, that would be inappropriate) just to check in on how people were doing and that also felt a bit strange, like I was intruding on other peoples’ space. So I don’t know really. Like I say I don’t mean this in an ungrateful way, it just doesn’t feel real yet.
Having said that, I have told my boss. Like I had no intention of telling him but I have been so sick lately and really struggling, I felt that I needed for him to understand. Thankfully he was so nice. He was so happy for me & almost wept for joy (he had tears in his eyes). He has been very supportive & I couldn’t ask for more.
So a bit of a rambling update. I hope it was fairly coherent! I have another scan in a few days and am so nervous about it. Of course I am nervous about what I may see. I hope that this little foetus continues to be strong and grow well.