5 day sanity check

I was really, really touched by all the kind messages I received in response to my last blog. Honestly getting each message was really amazing. I felt so moved by all of your kindness. I was especially touched by the messages from those of you currently going through cycles or in IVF limbo. I know that it can be reassuring when others get positives (I have got much reassurance from fellow bloggers who got positives) but I also know that it can be a gut punch, so I really appreciate your generosity in being happy for me. Thank you so much.

After I got the results from my first beta, my over-riding emotion was shock. I simply couldn’t believe it. Although I was hoping so, so badly for a positive result, I didn’t really believe that it would happen. It didn’t take too long before the shock turned to disbelief. It just didn’t seem real. After all, I had zero symptoms (which is not unreasonable really) and I felt no different from normal. I couldn’t really believe that it was true.

I asked my clinic for a second beta because I needed to know (for my sanity) that the HCG was doubling appropriately (apparently my clinic doesn’t do second betas routinely – it only recommends it for people with borderline results the first time). The nurse who took my bloods was a little surprised that I wanted to repeat the test because she felt that my first beta was strong, but thankfully they humoured me and the second beta came back with a great result & the requisite doubling. Phew. Relief once more…. Except of course the relief only lasts so long before the disbelief kicks in again.

And now it has been three days since my second beta and it is 15 days until my first scan, and the fears are starting to kick in big time. I had no symptoms over the weekend (still very early days so again, it’s still not unreasonable) but today I’ve started feeling really crampy. It’s the same sort of pre-menstrual cramps that I get and it’s really unsettling. I really want to phone the clinic and ask for another beta but for once I’m really lacking the courage to ask and I don’t know why. It’s most unlike me to be shy about coming forward.

My husband has been great at trying to allay my fears. He thinks the cramping is a good sign, he thinks it’s my body starting to change in a good way. I dunno. I’m not so sure, it doesn’t feel too good to me and although my hub has always been brilliant about supporting me through menstrual issues, he can’t really know what it feels like (what with being a boy and all) so somehow his comments don’t reassure me like I wish they would.

Sorry I know I’m sounding like a right old negative nelly here but I’m just so fearful it’s going to go wrong.

I’m not sure I can last out until the scan without doing something (but what?). I guess I’ll just have to see how I feel tomorrow and take it a day at a time.

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37 thoughts on “5 day sanity check

  1. Sorry to hear your feeling anxious! But I’d agree with your husband, it’s probably a good sign, embryo is implanting deeper into to womb, uterus is starting to stretch or something like that! Try to stay positive. Whenever I’m pregnant, I think making plans for the baby, looking at baby things, etc, helps me feel positive. Other people prefer to pretend nothing is going on. Do what feels right to you and take it slow. Wishing you peace of mind

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    1. Thank you! I really do hope so! It helps having you say this. At the moment I can’t think of anything P- related, it’s just too overwhelming and surreal but you’re absolutely right, I do need to find peace of mind. I really appreciate the support, it means a lot to me xx

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  2. Yup, that’s totally how I was waiting for the first scan or as I called it, the Second TWW. And now waiting for the 2nd scan, it’s the Third TWW. Fortunately, everyone who’s been in our position has said it’s the same thing. We’re so used to things pooping out on us that we don’t really believe it. Hell, even though I have lots of other normal symptoms, the fact that I”m *not* throwing up worries me! (Even though I am going to prenatal acupuncture to minimize nausea, which very well could mean it’s working, heh). The only thing that’s been distracting me now is entering in my little log on the Glow pregnancy app, reading out inane posts to my husband written by the 18 year olds who are pregnant for the first time and obviously never got the basic ‘birds and bees’ education, and making sure I’m eating small high protein meals (I’m using a food diary app called MyPlate which divvies everything you enter into carbs/protein/fat, so that I can make sure I’m getting the added amount of protein I’m told I need…since I’m not hungry anymore, it helps). But the other 23 hours a day…? LOL…

    It’s hard as we just transfer out pain to this new stage, but if you can, allow yourself to dream at least a little, and smile even more. Next Spring is going to be an amazing new chapter!

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    1. Oh yeah! 100%. My husband reckons I’ll only be happy if I’ve got my head stuck in the toilet barfing! I’ve been trying to find some nice things to distract me, like I got a caterpillar “kit” (so I can watch the whole metamorphosis process before releasing the butterflies into my garden) which is great, but like you say, what to do for the other 23 hours in a day?!
      At the moment I can’t think of anything P- related (can’t really say / type the word) Just feel like it will jinx everything (and I’m not even superstitious!)
      I do realise that I’m being very glass half empty here, and honestly I’d much rather be glass half full. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, I mean I am soooo thankful I have this chance right now. It’s just way more scary than I thought it would be. I do so want next spring to be the best spring ever xxx

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      1. Agreed. After we had the first scan and saw the heartbeat, it did help a little to have “proof” via the picture but since it wasn’t big enough to HEAR the heartbeat it wasn’t the life changing moment we expected. You’re not sounding ungrateful at ALL – this is a nervewracking time!!

        Get yourself a prenatal massage – good for those nerves! (basically the only thing that my massage therapist did differently was not have me lay on my stomach and didn’t use hot stones like she usually did).

        Are you doing PIO shots or anything?

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        1. I’m taking cyclogest (progesterone) twice a day and progynova (oestrogen) three times, plus the levothyroxine. I definitely feel like they are helping, though I did wonder whether I should speak to the clinic about upping the progesterone. I may ask.
          It’s strange how these milestones we think are going to help, do help, but only to a certain extent… leaving anxiety and worry remaining until the next milestone.
          You’re right, doing something to calm my nerves would be a good idea. All attempts at being a bit zen are long since out the window! x

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        2. All pills it sounds like? I’m doing all injections (both Prog and Est), because the side effects are lesser for me, but my bum is getting so lumpy from the bruising/scar tissue that my hubby is finding it harder and harder to find “virgin territory” to stab with the needle. 1 month left til freedom from 1 1/2″ needles!

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  3. I will not tell you not to be freaked out by the cramps because that’s a total platitude and it won’t change your being freaked out. However, to play devil’s advocate, I’ve read SO MANY posts by women on here early in their pregnancies who also had cramping scares, and like 90% of them turned into completely normal pregnancies. So I believe that you’ll be fine, but I understand that in the meantime it’s pretty scary. I sincerely hope that you can hack it mentally until your scheduled scan, but, if not, *you* must live with your sanity every day, and if keeping sanity inconveniences your clinic, then so be it.

    Also, as an aside, I’ve always thought the USA should take a humongous hint from Britain on its healthcare system… EXCEPT when it comes to post-transfer stuff! It seems like most British clinics don’t even bother with betas and, if they do, clinics like yours inexplicably don’t do second betas, which I believe should be part and parcel of an IVF cycle since a second beta says more about a pregnancy’s success then the first beta. It confounds me that they don’t do this! So, keep advocating for what you think that you need. I am so happy for you!

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    1. Thanks so much. Your comments really help, actually. It helps to know others experience something similar… although I’d still prefer to not have any symptoms which feel pre-menstrual. My husband has been teasing me that what I really need is a good dose of morning sickness! lol.
      And yes I agree I think there definitely are healthcare provision lessons to be learned from each other.
      Thanks for your support xxx

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  4. I hope you get your peace of mind soon! But just know that there is a whole range of normal in the beginning. I remember the disbelief as well. The important thing is to just take one day at a time and don’t stress yourself out.(Ha, funny, right?!) Hoping the 15 days goes by quickly!

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    1. 🙂 Thank you. Yes you are right. Stressing won’t help, it’s just sooo easy to do! Wish I could hibernate for two weeks! Ultimately I will phone the clinic if it gets too much. I don’t care if they think I’m completely crazy. xx

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  5. How did I miss your last post??? Congratulations!!! The doubling beta is especially awesome! I get your fears, I truly do, but I also hear lots of reasons to be hopeful! I’m hoping you have a wonderfully boring and uneventful next 9ish months until you are holding your wiggling little baby!! 😊

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    1. Oh thank you so much! That’s really kind of you to say. I hope you are right, just feeling very anxious about it at the moment. At the moment I don’t care if I barf for 9 months so long as it works (famous last words, eh?!) xx

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  6. The first trimester after infertility and/or loss is nothing short of flipping hideous. It just is. You are being glass half empty as you are trying to protect your heart and that’s ok! I do remember this stage being a series of TWWs. It’s annoying, the symptoms seem to come and go and nothing can turn the brain off. You are in the UK, right? I know a few other Brit bloggers have been to private clinics and paid for betas to set their mind at ease so there is always that option although be on top of when the doubling slows down etc (as it does) so the result doesn’t freak you out. Other than that it is just that blooming waiting game. Thinking of you. It really is an excruciating time. Xx

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    1. Thanks lovely. Yeah am at a private clinic in the UK so could pay extra for more betas, which is what I did for the second one. I kinda got a bit of the “you need to chill out vibe” from them when I did that (but in a nice way) It’s just much easier said than done. I’m going to pick up some more meds on thurs, so if I can hold out I will try to speak to someone then. It’s just soooo difficult. I want to feel excited but I’m mainly petrified. xx

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  7. Cramping was actually my first pregnancy symptom. I’ve had it every day starting 2dpt I’m now almost 8 weeks, and still have it. Though it’s not as frequent now. And, of course, the lack of it now also scares me! Ha! Either way, we’re destined to freak ourselves out over every little thing. But it’s likely a good sign. It reminds me that things are growing in there and making room for what’s to come! Good luck to you. Crossing my fingers and toes!

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    1. Thank you, that’s definitely reassuring to know. I will try to think of it as a good sign but I’m so used to it being a sign for something else it will take effort and resolve! Congratulations to getting to 8 weeks that’s really great progress! x

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  8. Okay and breathe! This is exactly (well, very similar!) to how I felt. I think it is natural. And a sort of torture!

    I got extra betas which I paid for privately because my clinic didn’t do them. It seemed like AGES until the scan. And then ages until the next one. I’m (not quite) happy to report that at almost 15 weeks it is just the same… Waiting… Four weeks this time! If I didn’t have the odd private appointments I think I’d go crazy!

    One thing I would say is that it has sort of calmed down a tiny bit. Not that the worry isn’t there, because it really is. But over time it does sort of calm down a tiny bit, just because you realise there’s nothing you can do to speed up the process or change the outcome.

    In terms of cramping – I had that too! I ended up looking it up and finding loads of people online who had it, which did slightly appease me!

    It’s a scary time but it’s sort of exciting too… When you see the first scan it will be amazing. I cried at mine, mainly through relief! I am rooting for you and sending you lots of hugs. Xx

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    1. Thanks. so much. I knew that getting a positive would never be a magic bullet to make everything feel better, but I didn’t expect it to feel quite like this. My mind set is still very much 2WW mindset of “if this works, I hope this works, please let this work!”.
      The cramping stopped for a little while this morning which made me breathe a sigh of relief…. until it started again.
      It really helps to know others have cramping. I did a little bit of googling yesterday and then gave up because it wasn’t really making me feel any better!
      I can’t wait for the scan, although I am petrified there will be nothing there. Really trying to not have these sorts of thoughts but I can’t help it.
      Think I’ll try to chat with one of the nurses when I collect my meds on Thurs.
      Congrats on getting to week 15! that’s amazing! Have you ‘graduated’ back to your GP / midwife service or are you still seeing the IVF doctors?

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      1. For me it has been a series of hurdles. Like each one I jump, I feel a slight sense of relief and then I focus on the next one. It’s really weird, and it still doesn’t feel real, but all I can say is that the anxiety has decreased over time – gradually, not at a particular date or anything. I definitely don’t feel as anxious as I did when I was at the stage you are now. But I definitely think the anxiety doesn’t go away. I still haven’t announced the pregnancy and don’t intend to, although have told a few people. But I do think pregnancy after infertility / loss is something you don’t take for granted at all.

        Try not to worry about the scan. I know you will. I completely did. But try not to get too anxious. You can’t change the outcome. Just try and distract yourself from thinking about it. And I am wishing you loads of luck! Sending you hugs. Xx

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        1. I’m glad to hear that your anxiety has diminished over time… today I have felt much better because I’ve had no cramping but because I have no other symptoms I also feel like it isn’t true / a mistake (my other source of anxiety!). I think keeping busy really helps because it forces me to not think about it for periods of time, but that only works for so long. You’re so right in what you say – one the one hand I can’t wait for the scan and on the other it petrifies me. All I can do is hope it will be ok. Thanks for your support xx

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  9. Yay!! Clearly I still have anxiety so I’m not one to talk but the second 2ww is equally as painful haha! Good luck 🙂

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  10. I think what you’re feeling is completely normal. It’d be weird to go through all that you’ve undergone and not have some anxiety. Don’t beat yourself up over feeling this way, and if you want another beta, then ask for it. You’re paying for the tests, so it shouldn’t matter to your Drs how many you want. Hang in there, and know that we’re all rooting for you! *hugs*

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    1. Aw thanks so much! Yeah I know it seems silly to feel bad about asking for more tests that I’m happy to pay for, I guess some of the staff don’t really get the anxiety that goes with IVF / IF and so make me feel a bit like a hypochondriac / drama queen (even if they don’t mean to). Felt generally better today but as I’m popping in the clinic tomorrow to collect some meds, I’ll definitely chat with one of the nurses (if nothing else). Thanks for the support 🙂

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  11. Congrats to your second beta results! I know it is hard not to freak out and to overanalyze. Jus wanted to let you know I had no symptoms what so ever for any of my two pregnancies (one IUI and 1 IVF) that early in the pregnancy. So keep your spirits up!

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  12. Ughhh! I hate early pregnancy symptoms. I would drive myself insane everyday with them…i had a lot of cramping too and everything has been okay so far. It went away for me around 10 wks I believe. Stay strong, u can do this!

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  13. I can imagine that the time between scans must be nerve wracking. I hope that the more time passes you’ll be able to relax a little and enjoy the pregnancy more.

    It can feel a bit like being left behind when other infertility bloggers get their positives but I am always so happy for them and it gives me hope that it might happen for me too one day!

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