I was really, really touched by all the kind messages I received in response to my last blog. Honestly getting each message was really amazing. I felt so moved by all of your kindness. I was especially touched by the messages from those of you currently going through cycles or in IVF limbo. I know that it can be reassuring when others get positives (I have got much reassurance from fellow bloggers who got positives) but I also know that it can be a gut punch, so I really appreciate your generosity in being happy for me. Thank you so much.
After I got the results from my first beta, my over-riding emotion was shock. I simply couldn’t believe it. Although I was hoping so, so badly for a positive result, I didn’t really believe that it would happen. It didn’t take too long before the shock turned to disbelief. It just didn’t seem real. After all, I had zero symptoms (which is not unreasonable really) and I felt no different from normal. I couldn’t really believe that it was true.
I asked my clinic for a second beta because I needed to know (for my sanity) that the HCG was doubling appropriately (apparently my clinic doesn’t do second betas routinely – it only recommends it for people with borderline results the first time). The nurse who took my bloods was a little surprised that I wanted to repeat the test because she felt that my first beta was strong, but thankfully they humoured me and the second beta came back with a great result & the requisite doubling. Phew. Relief once more…. Except of course the relief only lasts so long before the disbelief kicks in again.
And now it has been three days since my second beta and it is 15 days until my first scan, and the fears are starting to kick in big time. I had no symptoms over the weekend (still very early days so again, it’s still not unreasonable) but today I’ve started feeling really crampy. It’s the same sort of pre-menstrual cramps that I get and it’s really unsettling. I really want to phone the clinic and ask for another beta but for once I’m really lacking the courage to ask and I don’t know why. It’s most unlike me to be shy about coming forward.
My husband has been great at trying to allay my fears. He thinks the cramping is a good sign, he thinks it’s my body starting to change in a good way. I dunno. I’m not so sure, it doesn’t feel too good to me and although my hub has always been brilliant about supporting me through menstrual issues, he can’t really know what it feels like (what with being a boy and all) so somehow his comments don’t reassure me like I wish they would.
Sorry I know I’m sounding like a right old negative nelly here but I’m just so fearful it’s going to go wrong.
I’m not sure I can last out until the scan without doing something (but what?). I guess I’ll just have to see how I feel tomorrow and take it a day at a time.