So. Here’s a thing. At my IVF consultation I had to do something worse than have a stranger poke around in my girly-bits. You may not believe that there is something worse than that, but for me there is.
I got weighed.
For those of you out there whose heart rate raised at that – you know where I’m coming from.
So I was umming and aaahing about whether to mention this in my last post and in the end I decided to leave it out because I am consciously trying to keep a positive frame of mind and I don’t want negative things to dominate. I also don’t want to be an omni-whinger. Perhaps that’s easier said than done because all I have actually done this past week is think about my weight and beat myself up about it.
I could write pages and pages about my weight and how it makes me feel about myself but somehow it seems wrong to give airspace to such trivial self loathing. I am a grown woman, not an angst-ridden teen. I should have got over this long ago.
I could write about my frustration at all the effort I have put into exercise these past two years and the lack of impact it has had on my weight. Two years of consistently doing high intensity exercise three times a week (with the exception of the 2WW after embryo transfers) has resulted in a net weight loss of zero. zip. zilch. nada. nichts. nothing. Yes I am so much fitter than I was and I really enjoy the exercise, but it has had not had a positive impact on the scales and that’s disappointing.
The funny thing was, the doctor was not at all bothered about my weight and listed all the reasons why he wasn’t bothered (which sounded very much like the list of excuses I would come up with to justify my weight). All the same I don’t like being heavier than what I think my weight should be.
I am going to sort it out. I have a new plan and this time it focuses on my diet. There is some logic to this – firstly the exercise has been shown to not work – but also I have been told by the doctor to not continue with this sort of exercise during my forthcoming IVF cycles. I have to find other more gentle ways to maintain fitness. I never thought I’d say this but I might start yoga.
While there aren’t to be any grandiose diet resolutions and wholescale banning of cake (I have long since learnt that these rules never work) I am going to make some changes to my approach to food. I acknowledge that I need to pay more attention to what I eat. Step one is to write down what I eat each day (don’t worry this list will not make it to the blog!!!!). Perhaps by doing this I can spot bad habits which I have learnt to subconsciously filter out… I wonder whether I actually eat more than I realise? (Rhetorical question – the answer is almost certainly ‘yes’.) I hope that by writing down what I eat, I’ll make more conscious decisions to not eat certain things, or just eat less of them. If I can lose a few pounds and tip my weight back into the healthy range it’ll be a good feeling.